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TEL AVIV (BNN)--Defense Ministry sources revealed today
that Israel's army is struggling to meet the threat from a
Palestinian "super rock" which it is feared will decimate Israel's
tank forces in the Occupied Territories.
Israeli spokesmen have long defended the use of live ammunition,
tanks and helicopters against Palestinian civilians who are either
unarmed, or armed with rocks, by arguing that rocks, too, can be
deadly.
For this reason, say the sources, Israel's army has been compelled
to deploy its heaviest and most advanced equipment to meet the
threat from 9 year-old boys lobbing fist-sized pieces of rubble at
them.
"At the present time, we have only just succeeded in staving off
the threat from these deadly pebbles," said Israeli military
analyst and retired major-general Onef Koach. According to Koach,
the number of Israeli troops killed by Palestinian children
throwing rocks is currently zero, as is the number of tanks
destroyed. Amnesty International for its part says that the number
of Palestinian children killed by Israeli forces since October
2000 exceeds three hundred, all of them completely unarmed and
innocent, although some may have been throwing rocks.
According to Koach, this kill ratio is getting much too close for
comfort. "We cannot rely forever on the inferiority of Palestinian
weapons," said Koach, referring to leaked reports that Palestinian
scientists buried deep in Yasser Arafat's Ramallah compound are
using the abundance of rubble there to develop a new Palestinian
"super rock." "If this is the case," said Koach, "we could
actually see the paint on some of our tanks being chipped instead
of the rocks just bouncing off harmlessly as they do now. This
would be a disaster for Israel's deterrent capacity, national
morale, and macho pride, and would give the Palestinians the
message that the Israeli army can be defeated by force."
Asked about these report, the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat
denied them categorically. "I am asking the whole international
community to come and see, do we have rocks here?" he said,
standing atop a pile of rubble that used to be the Palestinian
National Archive, flanked by all four of his remaining supporters.
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| Left: Before, rocks were just part of
the landscape. Right: Now, the very idea of a Palestinian
"Super Rock"TM as big as a Merkava scares the
khakis off your average Israeli tank commander. (BNN) |
According to the leaked reports, Palestinian scientists have
discovered a way to enhance regular rocks by disguising them as
falafel, kibbeh and other delicacies. The weapons will be deployed
in the streets of Palestinian refugee camps to tempt Israeli
soldiers on patrol. When they approach, seeking a tasty snack,
crack Palestinian forces will begin lobbing them (tahini sauce
optional). Israeli military experts said that Israeli troops have
yet to receive training to responde to such ferocious falafel
fire.
The Defense Ministry sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity,
said that the Israeli government was preparing a request for a
special grant of an extra $8 billion from the United States to
upgrade Israeli forces to meet the new "super rock" threat,
including a sub-grant of combat-grade tupperware in which to
collect errant falafel missiles.
(For a related story from the Al-Bassaleh archives, see:
http://electronicintifada.net/al-bassaleh/200103a.html)