Dear people of the world,

The Palestinian people are now just inches away from attaining a state of their own. We're dangling this carrot so close I'm sure they can almost taste it.

But they have a difficult choice to make: They can have their state, but only if they give up the leader they've stuck with for decades, Yasser Arafat.

Why must they choose? Because Arafat has recently, on occasion, refused to comply with US orders immediately and unconditionally.

The fact is, that Palestinians have chosen the wrong person as their national leader.

We realize this is partly our fault. We should have contacted them earlier, and informed them of their error. But frankly we were a little skeptical that they'd ever get this far towards statehood.

We realize now that we need to set down very clear guidelines for the people of the world regarding acceptable national leaders.

To this end, I've created a new government agency: the Sovereignty and Democracy Administration. Much in the same way the FDA approves pharmacuticles, the SDA will be charged with approving all foreign leaders. We strongly recommend that you wait for potential leaders to be approved by the SDA before going ahead electing them.

To help nations avoid the disappointment of choosing the wrong leaders in the future, we have created an easy to use application form that leaders and their people can use to see whether they qualify.

Our new Data Mining Czar, John Poindexter, has created an algorithm to either approve or reject potential leaders in seconds.

Fill out the form for your leader now. If he or she does not qualify you can choose a new one now and avoid unpleasant CIA-orchestrated coups, military intervention, and even carpet bombing.

Note: If you are a leader now and are unsure of your approval status, it is best to assume that you must reapply. We are waiving re-application for a handful of world leaders. DO NOT wait to be contacted before you begin the reapplication process.

Do peoples have the right to select their own leaders. Yes, emphatically, yes! However, that right comes with responsibilities. Frequently nations choose BAD leaders. Up until now the United States has had no set policy on how to deal with these events. Sometimes we bomb, sometimes we assassinate, sometimes blockade the country for decades to choke the economy. My hope is that the FDA will solve this problem and let countries know which leaders are acceptable BEFORE they choose them.